Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1
Vietnam
Chapter 2
New Home
in Kofu
Chapter 3
Hong Kong
China,
&
Korea
Chapter 4
Yamanashi
Chapter 5
Society
Chapter 6
Hospital
Chapter 7
Nikko
Chapter 8
Holiday
Greetings
Chapter 9
Culture
Chapter 10
Holiday
Trip:
Kansai
&
Kyushu
Chapter 11
Mores
Chapter 12
Hankos
& Brush-
writing
Chapter13
Friends
Chapter 14
Festivities
Chapter 15
Okinawa
&
Nagasaki
Chapter 16
Hong Kong
&
Australia
Chapter 17
Special
People
&
Events
Chapter 18
Coming
to
Japan
Chapter 19
Letter to
Editor
Chapter 20
Teaching
English
Chapter 21 Hamamatsu
Chapter 22
Women's
Relation-
ships
Chapter 23
Reflections
on
Education
Chapter 24
Nephews'
Visit
Chapter 25
Thailand,
Korea
&
Home
Chapter 26
Taking
Stock
Chapter 7
Nikko
November 21, 1995
Dear BJ,
I am sitting here watching the winter sumo tournament and waiting for Tom to come home. It is two days before Thanksgiving and I am homesick. We bought a turkey breast at an international grocery store in Tokyo this weekend (at $8 per pound) as well as canned sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, and seasoned bread cubes. Who knows how this meal will turn out since we have a Crockpot, toaster oven, small microwave, and two gas burners to do all the cooking. But it is fun to improvise.
The muffins have turned out pretty well, even though the sugar we get here is crystallized rather than granulated and it doesn't seem to dissolve when mixing ingredients. Cakes are more difficult, and I haven't tried cookies yet. The most success has been with bread. (No cinnamon rolls.... the recipe was left at home.)
This weekend we went to Nikko, and then spent a night in the Tokyo Hilton before coming home. We paid an astronomical price, (by our standards - not Japanese) of over $300 for a basic room.. But since we were celebrating Tom's health and having come through a crisis, we decided we would allow ourselves this luxury. We had spectacular views of Tokyo and spent much of our time looking out of our windows and taking a video of the city.
Nikko was lovely. The trees high in the mountains had lost their leaves, but the trees in town and on the lower slopes were beautiful -- especially around the shrines and temple.
When we were taking pictures of the sacred bridge, a wedding party arrived to be photographed there. It was our understanding that nobody except the emperor and the imperial messenger are allowed on the bridge. It must be nice to have connections. (Tom wants to know how Dick managed to get on the bridge while he was stationed in Japan during the Korean conflict.) If the pictures turn out, we'll send you some.
Nikko is north of Tokyo and is less than two hours by train. It was built as a burial site for Ieyasu Tokugawa, the leader of the clan which ruled Japan from the early 17th century to the mid 19th century. It is a large area full of shrines, memorials, mausoleums and temples. The compound was finished about 1616. Depending on your point of view the architecture is beautiful or garish.
Mausoleum
A reason for the elaborate nature of the construction is that lords were told to contribute to the building of Nikko by the Tokugawa rulers. As a result, many tried to outdo one another in demonstrating their loyalty. One of the poorer nobles had thousands of trees planted, many of which are still standing. Americans know Nikko because of the famous carving of the 3 wise monkeys, located over the entrance to the imperial stable, which housed the emperor's white horse.
We discovered after we returned home that we had missed Shichigosan Day. We mentioned this holiday in an earlier letter. Traditionally it is for girls 7 and 3 years old and for 5-year-old boys. Tom was told that in early Japan these were the crucial years for children to survive. Therefore, parents take children of those ages to thank the gods and to pray for continued good health. The children and their parents are dressed in their finest attire for the shrine visit. The area around the shrine is crowded with food and souvenir booths. There is even a special candy sold only for this festival.
We were very disappointed that we were not able to celebrate Shichigosan at Takeda Shrine in Kofu. We will tell more about Takeda Shingen in later letters. He is Yamanashi's greatest hero -- the subject of several TV docudramas, a festival and an Akira Kurosawa film.
Tom is back to normal, but I am still recovering from his illness. I was numb through most of it. It was really frightening and I felt very alone even though our friends could not have been more caring. I would have called you if I had had your phone number and had known what shift you were working. (I have forgotten all the numbers from work and didn't bring any of them with me.) We still don't know if he got the care he would have gotten in the US, but think it was okay. Perhaps they would have done a colonoscopy at home instead of a barium enema. We can't get over how many x-rays he had. The first five times he went to the hospital on an outpatient basis they got x-rays and several of those times they also did a sonogram. During his inpatient care, he had numerous x-rays and other diagnostic tests. The worst time was when we were told they suspected it was colon cancer.
I am really missing Alyssa. She is growing so fast and I just want to hug her. I make friends with little children here and want to hold each one but restrain myself. She'll be a toddler when we see her again and we will have missed her infancy. I do talk to her on the phone, and we hope to send her a video for her first birthday.
Thanks for your kind words. I have had many self-doubts since coming here. Partly because I am not working and am used to feeling productive. There are feelings of sadness about leaving the job and not being able to get the leave of absence that was requested. On the other hand, it is for the best. It is a good opportunity to explore other options when we come back home. From what we read in the papers about the government shutdown and the cutbacks in funding of the VA, it sounds pretty discouraging. I know that I would be quite unhappy with what has happened to the program that we worked so hard to develop.
Other self-doubts come from wondering if Tom's friends in Japan compare me to his first wife. Tom is all but revered here and I don't have friends of my own who didn't know Tom and Phyllis as a couple. And the Japanese are indirect in communication - the exact opposite of what we consider healthy in western psychology - so I never know if I am committing some kind of faux pas. Sometimes it is a bit difficult, but I wouldn't have given up this cultural experience for anything in the world. I don't want to work right now and am not going out of my way to make friends of my own, because I want this to be a "time-out" in my life, rather than more work. Have I managed to totally confuse you?
Part of the confusion and pain comes from a recent experience at Eiwa. Early in our stay Tom asked if it was okay if I accompany him and the other teachers when they take the 10th grade students to Okinawa on their annual class trip. He assumed that it would be okay since Phyllis had accompanied them on the trip when Tom was on his last sabbatical there in 1987. I always got the impression that they were accepted as a couple and she was made to feel welcome.
Well we didn't hear anything for a long while, and Tom finally asked the head teacher about it a day or two ago. He was informed that I was not welcome and, furthermore, Tom could remain behind, too, if it were going to be that difficult to be separated from me. That was really painful, and so different from any of our other dealings with Eiwa! We actually thought about leaving Japan and returning home. At the time, we couldn't believe what was happening and we were very hurt. It seemed so antithetical to the culture. Upon reflection, Tom said he should have realized that the long silence was a way of telling him the answer to his inquiry was "no". It is also a reminder that men in Japan are supposed to always put their jobs first and their families last. Likewise, women are supposed to remember where their "place" is and stay there.
We have since found out that the head teacher has a great deal of autonomy in making those kinds of decisions, and it was primarily his decision, although he led Tom to believe that the principal had made the final decision. This head teacher is thought to be the most "American" teacher by the students, so that tells you a lot! And we also found out that the teachers are uncomfortable about the English problem. It would have put too much pressure on them to worry about translating and "entertaining" me on the trip, even though I have no desire to be entertained. (We were also told that the same problem occurred when Phyllis went on the trip, and an American teacher, who is fluent in Japanese, was assigned as a special escort. Apparently the other teachers were uncomfortable about her being with them, but Tom and Phyllis just weren't aware of it at the time.)
I continue to wonder if Phyllis is someone who did everything right and I do everything wrong here. Also, I wonder if I cannot be accepted just because they knew her and Tom as a couple, and they cannot accept me in her place. Another element that may be relevant is that I am a second wife. (Sort of like the "wicked stepmother.") In Japan, when a mate dies it is unusual for the widow or widower to remarry. Since the whole concept of marriage is so different in Japan, I think we are an oddity. We obviously love each other and are close. This is almost unheard of in Japan, and is probably considered unseemly. The biggest problem is that it is never possible to know exactly what the rules are. (A consistent theme.)
Tom says I am doing okay and that all I need to do is be myself. An interesting thing that happens is that people usually look to me when they are trying to communicate, even though Tom is the one who can speak some Japanese. That didn't happen when Tom was here before. We decided that it might be because I attend more closely to people when they are communicating - verbally and nonverbally. It is amazing how much can be communicated through body language, gestures, etc. (Of course, I have been teaching for a long time that 70% of communication is nonverbal in interactions, when people are speaking the same language, this should not come as a surprise to me!) I do try to use some Japanese words, but never pronounce them correctly no matter how hard I try.
The upshot of all of this is that I called Carolyn. Since she is coming to Japan anyway, I asked her if she wants to go to Australia, Thailand, Bali or anywhere else with me while Tom is in Okinawa. She said, "If you get lemons, make lemonade. And we are gonna make some great lemonade!" She is going to decide where she wants to go and then plan the trip. I have no clear preferences, as all of those places are appealing to me.
I am going to close as it is time to get some supper on the table. Please keep writing. It is a very bright spot in my life when we get letters. If you keep writing as faithfully as you have, you will get a prize for being my second most faithful correspondent. (My mother writes almost every week.) I really enjoy your correspondence and appreciate you.
Love, Marie
For more information about Nikko, you can visit this site.
