Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1
Vietnam
Chapter 2
New Home
in Kofu
Chapter 3
Hong Kong
China,
&
Korea
Chapter 4
Yamanashi
Chapter 5
Society
Chapter 6
Hospital
Chapter 7
Nikko
Chapter 8
Holiday
Greetings
Chapter 9
Culture
Chapter 10
Holiday
Trip:
Kansai
&
Kyushu
Chapter 11
Mores
Chapter 12
Hankos
& Brush-
writing
Chapter13
Friends
Chapter 14
Festivities
Chapter 15
Okinawa
&
Nagasaki
Chapter 16
Hong Kong
&
Australia
Chapter 17
Special
People
&
Events
Chapter 18
Coming
to
Japan
Chapter 19
Letter to
Editor
Chapter 20
Teaching
English
Chapter 21 Hamamatsu
Chapter 22
Women's
Relation-
ships
Chapter 23
Reflections
on
Education
Chapter 24
Nephews'
Visit
Chapter 25
Thailand,
Korea
&
Home
Chapter 26
Taking
Stock
Chapter 11
Japanese Mores
January 11, 1996
(This is a letter written to a friend and professional colleague)
Dear Ed,
It was good to talk to you the other day. I have been thinking about you and missing your reality checks. There are so many things to tell you about this year, that it is difficult to know where to start.
I want to share my observations about sex, sexuality, and attitudes regarding gay and lesbian issues, transvestite behavior, eating disorders, voyeurism, and sexism in Japan. I have no idea how many of those topics can be covered in this letter. I have been thinking a lot about those things, but have no one with a similar personal and professional background with whom to discuss them. So there is a lot saved up to communicate.
Obviously there will be a huge gap in my understanding due to my language deficit and because the Japanese need to save face at the risk of losing everything else, including their lives. It would be rude of me to ask anyone direct questions in this indirect society, but listening with the "third ear" is the same here as anywhere else. And people talk to me here the same as anywhere else. One just has to listen longer.
There is much more shame in seeking help, than there is in the drastic action of committing suicide. This is borne out by school children of all ages committing suicide due to bullying and the number of earthquake survivors who have committed suicide rather than talk to anyone about their PTSD symptoms. Of course some of that happens in the United States, also. The difference is that it is a more intrinsic part of the culture here. From my feeble understanding, the need to save face within the world comes from 250 years of being isolated politically, physically and psychologically. This changed in the 19th century, but there is still a general fear of outsiders, while there is a fascination for all things Western, primarily from the US. Thus, occasionally, people will cross the street rather than walk near us, and, more frequently, people will avoid sitting beside us on buses and trains, even if those seats are the only ones available. At the same time, others will go out of their way to make our acquaintance, or take care of us.
If we were going to be here a long time I would find some way to contribute something. But it would be a fine balancing act to help without placing value judgments on a culture that holds the Confucian idea of group as primary and individualism as non-existent. Tom and I both dislike the attitude that certain "missionaries" here have about enlightening the Eiwa students. Their arrogant Christian attitude is off-putting to us. The Japanese tolerate them with smiles, but who knows what is going on within.
As it is, I have not been able to discard my "psychologist hat" and continue to observe, connect with people in my own way, and study the culture from my "individualistic" standpoint. There is a lot of pain and suffering, much denial, and very careful editing of the news. One example of this is that the interesting news is almost never in English. The morning shows that have the real dirt are not in English, but I figure out the content from reading the kanji. Even though the stories are headline news with many exclamation points, they almost never show up on the evening news that is bilingual, and I can't find them in the Japan Times. The evening news is mostly boring stuff about contrived political situations, or subtle or, not so subtle,information that is flattering to Japan and denigrating to other countries. For example, the recent infestation of supposedly poisonous spiders from Australia, and now dead snakes washing up on the beaches! (Long story that does not bear repeating.)
The Japanese are taking great pleasure in the mess with the royal family in England, and we have read editorials regarding the dignity and worth of the royal family in Japan. Before the Crown Prince married two years ago, he had wooed his present wife for years before she said she would marry him. She was a very strong woman with an international education and a good job. In their first interviews, she spoke more than he did. Now she does not talk to the press, and she walks the prescribed number of paces behind him. (I told Tom I want to interview her to see how she feels!)
Another example occurred just this morning. After having written in our last newsletter about the possibility of anorexia and bulimia in Japan, it was coincidental that there was a news report today about a famous Japanese entertainer who has gone from 101 to 76 pounds this year. As far as I can figure out she is on her way to New York for treatment for an eating disorder. I feel quite certain that there will be nothing about it on the evening news.
More about eating disorders ....
Closer to home .... One particular Japanese woman we know is painfully thin. A few weeks ago, she fainted while riding her bike to do an errand at work. She was taken to the hospital for observation. We immediately thought about the possibility of anorexia and also are concerned about exhaustion from work. She works 60 hours a week, 6 days at 10 hours a day. I overstepped the bounds to tell her we were concerned about her working too hard and not eating enough. She assured me that she eats plenty. She said that her body is letting her down! We noticed her hands shaking when she poured tea. Now I take her baked goods from time to time, but don’t dare be too intrusive.
One young friend informed me that anorexia and bulimia are major problems among students. The girls are proud of the weight they have lost and the ways they manage it. Tom notices that students sometimes wear strings around their wrists. When asked what they were, he was told they were to help them lose weight. We don’t know how that is supposed to work, but we do know that most of the students are thin to begin with.
Attitudes regarding sex in general--
The view of sexuality in general is quite interesting to us. While there are no public displays of affection, there seems to be no shame associated with sex. Pornography is everywhere....in waiting rooms at the hospital, read publicly on trains and buses, openly displayed in stores, flyers with graphic pictures often show up in our mailbox, etc
No one ever kisses in public, and except for rare exceptions, no one shows public affection -- including holding hands. It is definitely not appropriate for couples to act as if they are in love. In fact, we recently spent time with one of the exchange students who is getting married in June. She had been separated from her fiancé for months, as she was living in the US, and had returned to Japan the evening before. It is not an arranged marriage and they both are excited about getting married. But they did not touch each other even briefly at any time during a whole evening we spent with them.
Tokyo is one exception to that, but then Tokyo is the exception to everything! It seems to be a place where young people can let loose, dress outrageously and engage in behaviors that would be taboo at home. There we have seen many young people and some middle-aged couples holding hands, and some young couples kissing. It is not uncommon to see young couples walking down the street caressing each other's behinds. Young women initiate this behavior as frequently as the men do.
Also, if couples are traveling abroad they may exhibit more intimate behavior. There is a saying in Japan, "When you travel, you have no neighbors." Unmarried couples are free to travel together on trips out of the country, be affectionate, and might be quite open about having a sexual relationship. In other words, behavior that is required within Japan is not required when you are not in your "neighborhood."
Japan -- A Country of Many Contrasts
Marital relationships--
Affection between husband and wife is very rare, and extramarital sex seems to be generally accepted and almost expected of men. One friend from the US who has lived here for awhile, told me that women rarely have sex with their husbands after the children are born. She said that women are having affairs in increasing numbers. However, I am not certain what her frame of reference is. It is clear that women are expected to take care of the home and it seems that they are supposed to be asexual, once they become mothers. (The good old "Madonna-whore" syndrome!) We don’t know how much that is changing.
We do have some friends our age who seem to like their mates, but they are the exception. Those closest to us often express their envy of the mutually respectful and loving relationship that we have. It is common for them to say, "We envy you." To which Tom might say, "You can learn from us." We are usually hand-in-hand when walking about town, and we give each other a quick kiss, when saying good-bye at school in the morning. It just seems too unnatural not to. We are given some latitude because we are gaijin. On the other hand, people who know us explain our strange behavior, by telling each other that we are newlyweds!
The students are intrigued with our relationship and are eager to tell us so. They say things like, "Your relationship is enviable." When Tom was first introduced to his classes at Eiwa, the most frequent question he was asked was, "Do you love your wife?" That would be followed up with other questions about our relationship, which seems so much different from those they witness at home.
Japanese men may have separate living quarters even if they live in the same house, and it isn't unusual for men to live separately from their wives. For instance, when men are transferred with their jobs, their wives and children may not move with them.
Tom’s Japanese daughters are another story. Some of those who have married seem to be married to people whom they like and respect. Most have chosen to remain single for as long as possible in order to experience some independence and autonomy.
Once they get married they may have to quit their jobs, although that seems to be more infrequent. However, when they have children, they almost certainly will have to leave work. There are exceptions to that, but we don’t understand what they are. One young friend told us that she wants to be a lawyer, so she can have a portable, autonomous job that she can do even after she has a family. Some of my friends are jealous that I have grandchildren. They are lamenting that they don’t. Their daughters are working and can’t be mothers while they have careers.
A surprising thing we were told is that about half of all marriages are arranged, either formally or informally. In cases where it is formal it involves an official matchmaker who arranges the first meeting. The couple does have the opportunity to accept or reject each other, in which case the matchmaker looks for someone else. When an individual meets someone whom they find acceptable, then a formal ritualistic engagement takes place. Informally arranged marriages often occur because young people are too busy working to have time to meet anyone. Therefore, when they decide it is time to marry, a mother or father, family friend, or someone else may look for someone whom they think would be a good match. Again each person has the option of saying, "Yes," or "No." The whole concept of marrying for love is just about unheard of, although we do know a few exceptions to that.
One young woman we know is really acting out! She and her older sister both were exchange students. Her sister is now living abroad and having a ball. We don’t expect her to ever come home to stay. Consequently, the younger daughter has felt trapped. She thinks her parents are overly protective, and aren’t keen on her traveling to the US for further education, which she said she wanted to do. She has been rejecting many of the expectations imposed on Japanese women, by wind surfing and getting a tan. Heaven forbid! Now she has rebelled in a big way. She is involved with an older divorced man, who has a child. She has brought tremendous shame on her traditional family.
Attitudes about homosexuality
I have been told that lesbian behavior is common among the students. It sounds like they examine and fondle each others’ bodies, in view of other students, in a manner that is almost like children playing doctor. Apparently, from what I have read, gay and lesbian behavior is expected and even supported when people are young adults in Japan. It is normal for people to fall in love with people of the same sex while they are in same-sex schools. However, it is a lot more confusing to figure out what the attitude is regarding gay and lesbian relationships among adults. Apparently it is not acknowledged.
This is in spite of a well-documented history of homosexuality in the culture. Homosexuality was prevalent and acceptable among the samurai. The popular writer, Yukio Mishima, who committed hara kiri in 1971, was known to be gay. We don't know what kind of problems he encountered from his sexual orientation, as little is written about it.
One popular female singer just wrote a book about coming out. From reading her story, it sounds as if things are not much different here than in the US. When she began her singing career, her manager indicated that he would manage her career as long as she kept her sexual orientation a secret. The pressure finally got to her, and she decided to come out, even if it meant sacrificing her career. Who knows what the consequences will be.
The people I have been able to ask about issues of sexual orientation in Japan have honestly had no idea of how it is perceived. We do know at least one Western person who is openly gay, but don’t know her well enough to ask her how she has been treated in Japan. I have the feeling it is like a lot of other things. As long as it is not acknowledged it doesn’t exist. (Not unlike how many gay people are treated in our culture. "Don’t ask, don’t tell!")
Voyeurism
Modesty is a virtue in Japan and is borne out in many behaviors we see on a daily basis. Women cover their mouths when they smile or giggle (one does not laugh in Japan, it is considered obscene) and are very careful to be ladylike in all the prescribed ways. A person never blows their nose in public. It is very unseemly to put lipstick on in public. It's not even acceptable to walk down the street eating or drinking. And there are many other rules that we will never learn. So it is a real paradox to us that there is such a fascination with voyeurism.
It is an incredible phenomenon. It is often written about in novels and is considered acceptable for men to engage in at sometime in their old age. A common thread linking Mishima's best selling series of novels is voyeurism. The main character, who is a wealthy, influential lawyer, is a habitual voyeur in his spare time.
When we went to the onsen (hot springs), Tom informed me that people do not look at each other. Even though people scrub the most intimate parts of themselves in full view of each other and the towel used to cover oneself while getting out of the bath is no bigger than a small handkerchief, people do make a pretense of not looking at each other. I found this to be almost true. However, I've got to say I was embarrassed to have breasts, and Japanese women were embarrassed to have me there.
I can’t tell you how many shows we have seen on TV, where people of the opposite sex go into public baths to surprise the bathers in the nude and watch their reaction on national TV. More than we can count. Yesterday I watched a half-hour show that was divided between two segments: 1) two men interviewing a woman as she sat naked in her bathtub in her private home, and 2) two young women interviewing a man sitting naked in his private bath in his home. In both instances there was much giggling, and the full intent of the show seemed to be to titillate.
On New Year’s Eve, one network spent the whole evening televising a version of strip poker, using the children’s game of "rock, scissors, paper." It was live and left nothing to the imagination. It managed to be reported on CNN international news, but we doubt that it was reported in the US. (Another network featured visits to shrines and temples, and another, beautiful women dressed in kimono, singing beautiful songs. I really love all the contradictions here!!)
Androgeny
The issue of sexual identity is very interesting. We mentioned that there are many androgynous people in Japan, but we are not certain if it is by design or simply physical. Many of the men have very soft features and young women are dressing in clothes that are androgynous. The haircuts are quite similar when the hair is worn short, but more men have long hair, also. Women are reacting to years of being pressured to speak with artificially high-pitched voices, by refusing to do so any longer. There are several popular women performers who have very deep voices, and some newswomen have been fired rather than give in to speaking falsetto. Some women are also taking hormones in order to lower their voices and appear more masculine, but I am not certain how common that practice is.
Transvestism
Transvestism is really big here. It is quite popular for men to be in drag on many television shows morning, noon, or night. There are several transvestites who are regulars on some variety or talk shows. But our favorite was a two and one-half hour (prime time) show that was a beauty contest for transvestites. There were 100 contestants and many categories for being judged. These included: a swim-suit competition; a marathon race; slumber party (where secrets were bared); a day of playing with children in a nursery school to see whom the children would judge to be the "most beautiful woman;" applying lipstick while on a roller coaster while being filmed, and others. In one indirect competition, a flower from an arrangement was put on the floor to see who would retrieve it as they walked by. Four of the contestants did so. They were considered to be more feminine. Everyone had a great time, and we had fun watching it. Can you imagine something like that being televised by NBC on Sunday evening?
Lolita syndrome
Apparently there are no laws or restrictions regarding men having sex with underage girls in Japan. One alarming problem (alarming to us) is the "Lolita" complex. Older men seem to have an attraction to young women. Comic strips, TV dramas and films often feature early teen females. These men may also be attracted to "idol singers". The young, teen-aged performers, often attired in cute, little girl clothes, sing about love and sexuality.
There is a problem with girls' school uniforms and underwear being stolen from their homes and from schools. Apparently this is some form of fetish that is fairly common. Also it has been brought to our attention through news articles, that young students may engage in "dating" older men for "money." It is impossible to know how frequently this occurs.
Another problem that receives much media attention is the sex trips Japanese men take to Thailand. While there, many have unprotected sex, (often with young girls who have been sold into prostitution by their families) in spite of the clear presence of AIDS in the country. We do have Japanese friends who are active in trying to stop this practice and are helping the poor, young women find other ways to earn a living.
Intolerance for differences
All in all, this society is more open and more closed at the same time. And it is racist to the core. The belief in racial purity, from all those years of being isolated, is deeply ingrained. There are many reminders of that in everyday life. Perhaps the Korean-Japanese have suffered the most from that. Even if they were born in Japan and have lived their whole lives here; they are not eligible for many jobs. Recently, there was an article in the paper that stated that anyone who had graduated from any foreign high school was eligible to apply to attend any university in Japan. But anyone who graduated from a Korean school in Japan must take extra requirements to be qualified.
We also see things like people in blackface on TV. The first time we saw it we were both shocked beyond words. Since then we have seen it several more times. On one show we saw black performers, performing side-by-side with Japanese in blackface.
Can you even imagine?
Also, the Japanese used to refer to western gaijin as "long nosed barbarians". We see people with artificial noses in skits all the time, ridiculing foreigners. At this point I am beyond being offended. I am observing as a social scientist.
The Japanese also ridicule each other, and any difference from the norm is fair game. Somehow that doesn’t jump out at us quite as much, but it is a major cause of bullying in schools. A traditional adage is "The nail that sticks out will be hammered down."
I’ve gotten off the track again and am running out of steam. I still want to write about our observations about what Japanese "do and do not do" in public, continuing reactions to W.W.II, education, and alcoholism and drug use. All you have to do is humor us by saying you are interested.
Hello to everyone.
Stay warm and dry. Enjoy your fireplace.
Marie
UPDATE--1999
We have kept up with current events in Japan through correspondence with friends and reading Japanese newspapers. Since writing this letter we have continued to learn about social issues in Japan and the more we learn, the more fascinated we become. Based on the many things we saw and wrote about Japanese culture, it came as no surprise to us to read recently that Viagra was approved there in a rapid fashion. It only took 6 months to legalize it. It is an interesting juxtaposition that the birth control pill still that has been in use for more than thirty years in the US is still not available to Japanese women. The country's Health Ministry has stalled its approval since 1961, although there is a move to legalize it later this year..
September 3, 1999 -- Today low dose birth control pills went on sale in Japan for the first time...not without controversy.
