Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1
Vietnam
Chapter 2
New Home
in Kofu
Chapter 3
Hong Kong
China,
&
Korea
Chapter 4
Yamanashi
Chapter 5
Society
Chapter 6
Hospital
Chapter 7
Nikko
Chapter 8
Holiday
Greetings
Chapter 9
Culture
Chapter 10
Holiday
Trip:
Kansai
&
Kyushu
Chapter 11
Mores
Chapter 12
Hankos
& Brush-
writing
Chapter13
Friends
Chapter 14
Festivities
Chapter 15
Okinawa
&
Nagasaki
Chapter 16
Hong Kong
&
Australia
Chapter 17
Special
People
&
Events
Chapter 18
Coming
to
Japan
Chapter 19
Letter to
Editor
Chapter 20
Teaching
English
Chapter 21 Hamamatsu
Chapter 22
Women's
Relation-
ships
Chapter 23
Reflections
on
Education
Chapter 24
Nephews'
Visit
Chapter 25
Thailand,
Korea
&
Home
Chapter 26
Taking
Stock
Chapter 22
Relationships with Women
June 10,1996
Dear Dick and BJ,
It was good to hear from you. Glad you are doing better. We have been worried, and we're glad you are okay.
It is always good to receive mail from home. We aren't getting much these days. I guess it's because people think we will be coming home soon. But we still enjoy finding something in our mailbox..
Things are going to be fairly hectic and very emotional in the weeks we have remaining. Every day someone asks us for the exact date we will be leaving Japan, and almost every day there are some tears shed. Also we are overwhelmed with the gifts we have been given. Neither of us has a feeling of entitlement, and it is a bit difficult to realize how much people care....but we are trying to learn to be more open to accepting things with gratitude, instead of feeling unworthy all the time.
Last week Sayoko, whom I know from going to calligraphy class once a week, gave me a kimono that she made for herself when she was in high school. It includes two obi (belts) and the rest of the necessary gear. I was really touched. (She is my age, and her husband is Tom's age, and she said she wants to be best friends.) She and the other women in class were not satisfied with just giving me the kimono but also put it on me, gave me explanations of how to wear it and took pictures.
Another woman in the class, Mrs. Noziri, bought me a special fan that has written in kanji, "One meeting, one lifetime," because she said it reminded her of meeting me. She also bought a beautiful furoshiki (an all- purpose cloth for wrapping things), which can be used as a tablecloth. Besides all that, she gave me a kimono that was her daughter's for Shichigosan Day and wondered if I would mind taking it to give to our granddaughter. (In the picture it is modeled by our daughter-in-law, Debbie).
Mrs. Ogawa's mother-in-law gave us two dolls.... a male and female, (the male is holding a kite -- for Tom, the female has a fan),... and the list goes on. We are so moved..
This is the same group which planned a very special day for me and took me on a tour of a distant part of the prefecture. (A picture of all of them is at the top of Chapter 13). It was a wonderful day, with all sorts of memories that I will have forever.
We went to see a 1,000 year-old cherry tree, other ancient wonders, an art museum, and a butterfly museum.
It was a great tour of beauty, art, history, but most of all, wonderful friendship. What a glorious day! It really filled my heart.
So far we have sent 32 boxes, and every time we think we are almost finished packing, we find more things or get more presents that we need to send home. I'm certain there will be many things we will still have to pack up in the last few days we are here. But we are feeling pretty organized.
Tom is doing well, although there was blood in his stool at his annual checkup at school, so we need to have that checked out. At the time he was on medicine and had had some kind of acute attack (I think I wrote about it in the last letter), so I am hoping the tests were due to his state at the time, and nothing to worry about. He should be going to the doctor soon, as he is supposed to be having a checkup anyway. He also is getting acupuncture and massage treatments for his legs and foot. His foot has been hurting because of all the steps he has to take at school, and the sidewalks and streets are uneven here, and hard to walk on. That has created havoc for his foot that does all the work. Mrs. Hanawa says that if he gets regular treatment until then, she might give her consent for him to climb Fuji at the end of July! We'll see.
Today is the first day of the rainy season in Yamanashi, but is not raining now. Yesterday it rained, and we can expect a lot of rain in the next month or so. We get different answers if we ask people when the rainy season will begin. Mrs. Naito, who has given us accurate information about other things said that today is the official day.
However, we are not breathing fresh air !!! Our allergies have been worse here that anywhere else. There are too many cars for the streets, and emission standards aren't what they are in the U.S. There is much open burning and our apartment is frequently permeated with the smell of incense from the two temples and one shrine on our block. In the morning the sky frequently looks like that in LA; it is overcast and looks like it is going to rain. Nobody calls it smog, but I don't know what else it is. In the fall, I had pressure in my chest a lot, because of difficulty breathing, and the spring has been bad because of all the junk in the air, coupled with a high pollen count. I hope my nephew, who has asthma, does not have too much of a problem here. I haven't told my sister, because she is a worrier anyway, and I'm hoping the rain will help a lot.
I have been teaching the "Serenity Prayer" to people here. I am informally counseling a couple of people, but not taking money, and not in a formal counseling relationship, because I am not licensed here. Basically I am just using my listening skills. For awhile I thought I didn't want to be a psychologist any more, because I was tired, didn't want the responsibility, didn't like to have to keep everything from Tom, worried about malpractice, and borderline patients, etc. But I am finding out that I am a psychologist, whether I want to be or not, and people are seeking me out. One young woman said to me, "I have been looking all my life for someone to whom I can pour out my heart, and I found that with you." I was touched. I am listening as some women talk to me about being women in Japan, women in general, and struggling with relationship issues. Even though women in Japan have other problems that are peculiar to Japan, I have come to believe that many women's issues and relationship issues are the same everywhere.
So, guess what, --- we have several books in mind, but I am afraid to say too much because we don't know if we will finish what we have started. We have one book planned about the exchange program and the impact of the program on the students who spent one year in the U.S. We have interviewed some of the former exchange students, and have had contact with about 20 of them. They are very open with us, and we have had some surprises and some good information.
The other book is about women in Japan, seeing it through the eyes and perceptions of a female Western psychologist. If you are interested in looking at some of the things we have written, just let me know when we get home. We are not going to tell the world, because we are both rather shy about this, and also wondering it we are too lazy to complete the projects. However, one never knows. You've been very encouraging about my writing so that is why I am telling you.
I have to close now and get ready to go teach at the "Y". I now teach three classes of children - a total of 24, ranging from first to fourth grade - and two women's classes - a total of 9 women. Although teaching English is not my favorite thing to do, I do like the relationship building and the interaction. The women are in advanced English, so we spend most of the time talking about the same things we might talk about in a support group at home. I really enjoy that, and I am getting an education about how Japanese women think and feel.
Tonight I will have a support group for four Y staff members here in our apartment. They are all young women who are interested in work in psychology or social work. They are concerned about women's issues and problems of children in Japan. We all feel sad that we are getting to know each other so close to our leaving, but better late than never.
It is interesting how this support group has come to be. Young women whom I met through the Y asked me if I would talk to them about being a psychologist and about relationships. I said that I wanted to be open to other world views and that I didn't know if I could cover those topics with them. I did not want to impose western thinking on an eastern culture, especially here in Japan. They informed me that they were interested in western relationships. Again, feeling that there was a fine line, I mostly listened.
The first meeting was scheduled at the Y during their lunch hour and I asked them what they thought was important in a relationship. They unanimously agreed, "Trust" and "Respect." I found it interesting that they were coming from the same place as we are.
However, the director of the Y, who was sitting in on the meeting, immediately said, "Why are those important?" He seemed upset.
From that point on, the staff had other things scheduled when we would have normally had our meeting and we made arrangements for them to come see us at our apartment. Tom and I wonder what will happen next. I feel very sad because the women I have met at the Y have been an inspiration to me, both the staff and students.
We will be very busy in the days ahead, so I probably won't have time to write more letters. I want to close by thanking you again for your faithful correspondence. It was appreciated much more than you can ever know.
See you soon.
Love,
Marie
UPDATE: After this letter was written, the young women from the "Y" and I had one meeting at our house. After that no more meetings could be scheduled because the women, "coincidentally", had other activities scheduled for them at work no matter when we tried to meet. I got the message. I did not pursue it, because the meetings had been initiated by the staff and I wanted to leave everything up to them. I figured they would do what was best for them and I trusted their judgment.
As a follow-up to that, the director's wife asked me what gift I would like when I left. I said that I didn't really need anything, which I thought was the appropriate, humble response. She explained that it is a custom to give gifts, and I said that I trusted her judgment.
When I left she gave me two T-shirts that the staff were given for their summer camp.... one for me and one for Tom. (Sort of like "My family went to Europe and all they got me was this lousy t-shirt!!" You know.) This is in direct contrast to the lovely, expensive gifts that Tom and Phyllis had received when they taught there. (Same director -- hmm --) Again I got the message. Either I had crossed a line I wasn't supposed to cross, no matter how careful I had been, or she didn't like me in the first place because I am a second wife. (I had met her for the first time, early in the year, at Keiko's wedding and she gave me a cool greeting then, so I was puzzled that she would even call me to ask me to teach at the "Y.") Whatever the reason, I recognized a slap in the face when I got it.... Tom is upset at the treatment I received because he feels that I really bailed out the Y. He thinks I was asked to teach because they needed a teacher to cover classes that (a) no one wanted to teach or (b) for which they lacked the staff. Whatever the reason, he thinks I was treated shabbily.
What is most remarkable about this whole incident is that the "director" and his wife are both very proud of being "Christian" and supposedly are very "international." In addition, even though they are both officially retired, they continue to be in charge of everything that goes on there. The younger staff members who were hired to take their places and run the "Y" have virtually no power.
This is another of the mysteries of the culture.
I must say, though, that my students and the younger staff members at the "Y" were very appreciative and gave me excellent feedback, in addition to a pair of lovely pearl earrings as a going away gift. One staff member told me that she had never known a teacher with whom the students felt so close. Another said, "The time we spent together is my treasure... Really want to show my thankfulness and love to you!" One pregnant adult student said that my teaching had given her baby "good prenatal care or lullabies." (She sends me pictures of him and keeps me up to date on his progress.)
Putting it all into balance, having only two painful, rejecting encounters was not so bad, given the scores of kindnesses we were blessed with and the heartfelt friendships that began that year in Japan. Since that time, those relationships have continued to blossom and grow deeper.
1999 UPDATE: Since returning home and keeping up with news in Japan through the English language Japanese newspapers, I am feeling less like a failure. It seems that discipline within the classroom is a major problem in Japan. The Asahi Newspaper on October 17, 1999 reported that the official tally for violent incidents in public schools in Japan for 1998 was 35,246, but that many think that is a gross underestimate. This is only one of the articles we have read this year about the loss of control that teachers are experiencing in the classrooms in Japan. Another article in the same issue dealt with the problems of English speaking teachers in Japanese classrooms. It stated that it is not unusual for them to feel incompetent and to lose all confidence. As I read these articles, I realize that my feelings of inadequacy in managing the classrooms at the Y were not unusual. I also am more convinced that I was given a class that no one else had been able to handle.
